Bo-Bo Knows Crazy Bitches

I'm no dog whisperer, but I'd like to think that during my 2.5 years of doggy mommyhood I've learned a thing or two about canine body language.

1. Wagging tail = best day ever
2. Dog face in my face = I got needs, man.
3. Stiff as a statue and drooling = Terror that leaves shitting a brick in the dust.
   

But learning about dog behavior by watching Bo is about as instructive as analyzing literature via Spark Notes--I get the general gist at the expense of deeper meaning.

If Bo had his way, he'd gallop toward every dog that crosses paths with us on our morning walks. I don't know what kind of hippy commune the tracks were running during Bo's racing days, but apparently those kennels were all about all-for-one and one-for-all and peace and love and all that hairy horseshit. Because Bo sees no difference between a dog wagging his tail so hard it blurs and a snarling, nasty punk spoiling for a fight.

Which leaves me to clear the dogs we meet for a little nose-to-butt action. But while I've become skilled at steering clear of dogs giving out the Cujo vibe, spotting crazy bitches is harder than it seems. The craziest bitches present themselves as happy-go-lucky loves. Their tails are going, their ears are up; some even echo Bo's whimpery hello-o-o-o! Everything about the way these dogs carry themselves says normal and healthy until something trips the bitch switch and the love bug turns scorpion. Gnashing teeth, snarling, and just general bad manners. I'm fine with it when the owner is surprised in a whoa-what-just-happened kind of way. But I can't stand it when the owner looks all sheepish and says, "yeah, she gets that way sometimes."

If you own a crazy bitch of a dog--and you know who you are--when the nice lady with the goofy greyhound asks for a green light for a meet-and-greet, do NOT give it to her. Because if your dog can go from hyper tail wagging to snarling faster than you can say pooper-scooper, the only correct answer when you're asked if your dog is friendly, is not always. So to all the owners of crazy bitches in the world: when I ask you if your dog's friendly, say no.

Because let's face it: I'm all the crazy bitch Bo needs.